On April 1, Salt Lakers can welcome the opening of the city’s first brick and mortar conspiracy store. The store, whose site, name, and owners are on a “need to know” basis, will purvey all items that conspiracy theorists need to further their beliefs.
“We decided to go for an actual store after our sales skyrocketed on the dark web,” said the owner. “We will feature designer tinfoil hats, Q apparel for men and women, and a large selection of Hawaiian shirts.”
In the health and beauty aids department, shoppers can find skin creams designed to protect them from chemtrail residue. Anti-vaccer? No problem. Bottles of powdered bleach will be available for use as a nutritional supplement. “We all know it achieves the same result,” said the owner. He added that invisible masks are very popular. “A sales receipt proves you are wearing a mask even though others can’t see it.”
Parents who are home-schooling their children to protect them from elitist propaganda can browse an array of books describing alternative histories and science. Ain’t No Lie, the Earth Is Flat As a Pizza Pie, is a particular favorite. Kids can also select their favorite Insurrection Action Figure. There are more than 200 to choose from.
Although the product line is vast, payment options are limited to crypto-currency, since fiat paper money is an Illuminati scheme to enslave freedom-loving patriots. The first 17 customers to visit will receive a free copy of The Anarchist Cookbook.
*Editor’s Note: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment and commentary purposes only. While it may reference real places or echo real events, the characters and situations are fictionalized for humor and reflection. At Utah Stories, we believe that sometimes the absurd reveals more truth than the facts alone.
