I don’t know much about politics. I’m just a small-town rural Utah guy who likes fishing and camping, pays my taxes, goes to church, and wants government to leave me alone. I don’t have the wisdom of Governor Cox or Senator John Johnson. But I heard about this new law, SB334, requiring every Utah State student to read Great Books in the Western Tradition – including the ‘rise of Christianity’ – at the new ‘Center for Civic Excellence’. I thought to myself, well, that sounds pretty good. I want to be excellent too, you know?

So I got the books to read on my boat while I was catching some trout.
But after reading a few authors listed in the bill, I am confused. I could use some help from Cox, Johnson, and the Republican officials who rushed SB334 into law without input from professors. These guys are smart – they must know better than anyone what’s in these books and what is best for all the rest of us. So I have a few questions.

First, was Socrates gay? I started to read Plato’s Symposium, but it’s a bunch of drunk Greek bisexuals arguing whether old guys should have erotic relationships with young boys. My canoe almost tipped over! Didn’t we just ban rainbow flags here in Utah? Am I reading the right book here?

Plato seems un-American too, if you ask me – he hates democracy since it killed Socrates. The Republic proposes we do away with elections (no more Cox and Johnson), give women equal rights, abolish the family, dismantle gender roles, replace traditional religion, perform mass abortions in a eugenics lottery, exile billionaires and demagogues, and make professors the kings. Now that doesn’t sound right!

Aristotle – also in the bill – thinks women and ‘barbarians’ are inferior by nature: they deserve to be controlled and enslaved. Is that what we mean by ‘Western Civilization’? Aristotle’s theory had terrible consequences for groups like Native Americans. Are they Western too? Where is West, by the way – west of what, exactly? Where am I fishing?

Cicero was a skeptic who had his head and hands cut off for saying nasty things in speeches, such as that wealth should never be concentrated in the hands of a few, or that any guy who claims to be a Prophet was probably delusional or trying to sell you something. My Latin’s rusty, but pecuniae cupiditas – the ‘lust for money’? What would he say about Elon Musk? Trump’s party decided they are fit to teach us all about ‘civic virtue’– so help me out here. I just want to
learn how to become wise and excellent like our politicians.

Boethius is in the bill – wasn’t he imprisoned and sentenced to death for criticizing a rich authoritarian king? Not sure we would want a guy like him as a professor in Utah. Good thing the Center for Civic Excellence has precarious two-year contracts overseen by an administrator toeing the party line for a President in case a teacher steps out of line. You’re fired, Boethius!

John Stuart Mill was a fierce defender of women’s rights, social justice, equality – call him DEI – and he said a majority should never silence a minority. Would Mill support a government-mandated virtue test on all students overseen by some bureaucrat with a checklist?

Then there’s Virginia Woolf, a queer anti-fascist who thought women must have space, money, power, and independence from men. Now what am I supposed to tell all my wives when they hear that? They already got all worked up seeing Handmaid’s Tale on Netflix! I have enough on my hands as it is!

Chinua Achebe is in the bill too. His novel Things Fall Apart shows how Big Government comes into your country and forces you to be ‘progressive’ while destroying conservative family values. But he’s referring to Christian missionaries trampling all over older African cultures – did people read that before or after voting?

Big Government now forces all USU students to read queer, feminist, heretical, radical leftists to get a diploma. The Center for Civic Excellence will coddle, babysit, and indoctrinate college adults like children in a sanitized, state-approved fantasy of the ‘West’ fabricated by name-dropping authors who would never land a job here or take one if offered, all for show and politics. Maybe legislators should sit in on a class?

Look, I’m just a simple Utah guy who wants to be left alone by politicians to go fishing. So I threw these so-called Great Books right into the lake. Instead, I caught myself a big old fat rainbow trout – now that’s what I call excellence. To anyone shopping for a real education at Utah State, let me give you some advice: if you want someone to teach you how to fish, don’t ask the government. Ask a fisherman.

*Editor’s Note: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment and commentary purposes only. While it may reference real places or echo real events, the characters and situations are fictionalized for humor and reflection. At Utah Stories, we believe that sometimes the absurd reveals more truth than the facts alone.