by Rick Seven

Imagine this: you wake up one morning only to find “this is the place” of a raging zombie apocalypse. Salt Lake City is suddenly teeming with hordes of the ravenous undead searching for a feast of flesh and brains. Now is not the time to worry about how this could happen or ponder the logistics of animated corpses. What is needed is action to survive this invasion of the undead.

It may surprise you that neither the City of Salt Lake nor the State of Utah has budgeted any resources for a zombie apocalypse. Calls made around dinner time to the City Council and State Legislators office went unanswered or were abruptly cut off verifying the government’s apathy and ignorance of this situation, which leaves Utah’s concerned citizens to take action.

How to Survive a Zombie Attack in Utah

Fight a horde with a horde. Gather your family and friends—especially those who won’t be squeamish about lopping off a zombie head or two. Avoid the person, no matter how attractive, who launches into random fits of hysterics. Now may be a good time to bond with your camo-wearing co-worker driving the jacked-up Chevy truck with an antler gun rack.

You now have your survival group. It is time to get armed and dangerous. Zombies, unlike an increasing amount of politicians, need to have their brains to exist. They (zombies) will keep plaguing the living until their disease-infected cerebral mass is separated from the rest of their body. Develop an arsenal of useful weaponry for this purpose. Grab an axe, machete, or that ninja sword you thought made you so cool back in high school. Be glad you live in Utah, home of the bi-monthly gun show. With zombies threatening your very existence, the purchase of a semi-automatic assault rifle will finally be justified.

The preferred weapon for zombie destruction is the shotgun. Support the “buy local” movement and get a Browning. The Browning shotgun is the best there is, which you can verify by examining their trademarked slogan: “The Best There Is.” John M. Browning was born in Utah after his father made the trek out from Nauvoo, Illinois to Ogden in 1852.

John Moses Browning: Father Of Modern Zombie Hunting?

John M. Browning developed his first single shot rifle in 1878, and filed for his first patent in 1879. Rumor has it (a rumor I just started now) that John M. Browning was terrified by the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and thus worked diligently in developing repeating rifles and shotguns specifically designed to thwart an attack of the undead. By the time of his death in 1926, he had 128 patents to his name. At the Browning Firearms Museum in Ogden’s Union Station, one can view a vast stockpile of original models of Brownings and an amazing collection of miniature guns. Essentially, it’s zombie preparedness central.

Now that you’re heavily armed, find a suitable dwelling to reinforce and defend. Big bay windows and French patio doors will be a negative, as your focus should now be on survival rather than resale value. A plus in Utah is the potential that some of these dwellings might hold a year’s supply of food. This may not be the “End of Days,” spoken in scriptural text, but then again—it might. Nowhere in the scriptures does it say there won’t be a zombie apocalypse.

As you wait for the U.S. military to come in and save the day, some down time is inevitable. Have a few board games on hand to pass the time between waves of zombie attacks. Check out the overwhelming selection from Game Night Games in Sugarhouse. One final note: the stagnant smell of fear, sweat and rotted corpses in your safe house can get overpowering. Though electricity is precious, you may want to think about plugging in that Scentsy candle your neighbor conned you into buying every once in a while. §

*Editor’s Note: This article is a work of satire and is intended for entertainment and commentary purposes only. While it may reference real places or echo real events, some of the characters and situations are fictionalized for humor and reflection. At Utah Stories, we believe that sometimes the absurd reveals more truth than the facts alone.